Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
You took a bar mat shot.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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