You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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