Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
