It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
