you didnt know i had herpes?
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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