Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
