Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
