she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
