girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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