dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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