Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
