KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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