I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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