He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
