Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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