she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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