i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize