I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
