Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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