omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
