He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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