did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
