And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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