my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
