How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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