The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
