your parents love me but you hate me
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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