i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Randomize
