omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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