WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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