dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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