FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
