i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize