I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
