I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
