Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
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