dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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