I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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