I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
