i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
