is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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