My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
