I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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