proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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