Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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