I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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