If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize