So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Randomize
