I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
