Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
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