if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize