franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
