1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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