i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Omg I joined a choir last night...
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
