My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
