Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
