Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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