She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
