dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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