Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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