I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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