I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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