you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
